As I sit on the eve of what is my 3rd miscarriage this year I can’t help but ask myself-is this my punishment? Is there truly some omnipotent presence that is punishing me for my choices to not become a parent earlier in life?
Did choosing my youth and my career lead me on this path of heartbreak and tragedy? Am I being shunned for having chosen myself? Will this be for evermore?
It’s not lost on me that I am privileged to have had the choice to end my pregnancies safely and with dignity – a choice so many women no longer have.
While I’m vehemently against women re-living their trauma to justify why affording them basic healthcare is the right thing to do, I offer this as a preemptive explanation of my indifference. My piece de resistance articulating why I am no longer entertaining niceties. My line in the sand explaining that I will no longer tolerate my own dehumanization in the name of maintaining appearances.
Like so many political topics/smoke bombs/“are we really going to let this end our friendship arguments” this isn’t political, it’s a personal reality. It is a tangible consequence that will and has changed the course of women’s lives forever, based solely on their geographical location–as it has mine.
Choice is not a made up concept–like a theoretical tax break that can grow an easily manipulated economy and stock market. It’s not an abstract goal that some day may apply to you.
My choices allowed me to finish high school, graduate college, graduate law school and pass the bar all while not having to be a parent too. My choices allowed me to establish an exemplary career. My choices afforded me the opportunity to choose myself 100 times over with absolutely no regret, not even after this marred journey.
My choices allowed me to finish my miscarriage in a reputible medical facility when the medication didn’t work. It allowed me to miscarry the second time with dignity, in the comfort of my home and with the support of my husband. Knowing each time I could seek out medical care at any moment if I felt unsafe, without the fear of legal repercussions. A decision, riddled in tears and heartbreak but made privateIy with my supportive medical provider.
My State protects my ability to seek out further fertility treatments and provides me the opportunity to test embryos before implantation. A step that helps reduce miscarriage by over 70% in those with recurrent losses. A nuance that is so often lost in this debate. A choice to start a healthy family, limited by a zip-code.
My choices have changed the trajectory of my life, for the rest of my life. And the best thing about these choices is you’d never know I made them unless you’re reading this. There was no change to your tax bracket, your ability to be gainfully employed or your decision to create your own family. Yet somehow, many of you put all of those things ahead of my ability to have a choice.
After every unsuccessful pregnancy I struggle with the “why” that I then immediately have to reconcile with the tremendous amount of gratitude I feel. I’m lucky enough to know I have options that are readily available without having to drive to another state or be fearful of criminal consequences. While, I’m aware I don’t speak for all women, I can confidently say I speak for the smart ones, the independent thinkers, the ones who aren’t afraid to stand up for their convictions. The dissenters, I ask you to read on.
If you’ve ever said you support the right to choose but (enter qualifying statement here), you’re not pro-choice. If you say you’re pro-choice but also voted for X candidate who didn’t support a federally protected right to choose you are not pro-choice. You are not supporting your friends who deserve an undeniable right to choose, who have exercised their right to choose and you are promoting healthcare disparity. If you abstained from the race or conversation you too bear responsibility for this decision. The good news is, you too have a choice and you can make the right one.
I know if at the end of this road, my choices only bring me my husband and this life I’ve created—they will have been the most worthy choices I ever made. My family, my friendships, my career, my advocacy will all have been worth the heartbreak. My entire life as it exists today was made possible because I was privileged enough to have something as simple as a choice.
The only way to change this is to push those in power to do what is right. Those 70% of you who claimed to support a woman’s choice, don’t always vote that way. So the next time your friends say they support the right to choose but their voting record doesn’t reflect that, don’t sit idly by. The next time YOU visit a voting booth make sure your vote matches what you claim to support.
If you really want to be pro-choice, see below for links to funds, donations to key races, etc.
Brown Girl Talks 